Young parents’ doubts about whether they can be good parents are natural, widespread, normal – and destructive. What is normal is not necessarily good. Doubting yourself is not good. It weakens self-confidence, blocks spontaneity in social interaction. A person becomes dependent on external advice, which is mostly not relevant anyway. Healthy parenting cannot stand on doubts. But first, we need to understand our doubts.
Why do we doubt ourselves?
There are five main reasons why parents doubt themselves:
- Parenthood is a drastic change in the living reality of a man and a woman.
We suddenly realize our full responsibility for a child completely dependent on us. It will immediately become a top priority. It has become the centre of our world. We are no longer the only centre of our lives. We are someone else’s “service department”, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. And there is no time for a break, a weekend or a day off, for time without this little being whose needs are endless.
2. Being a good mother and a good father is one of the highest values.
People judge their worth through this prism. We are desperate to be good parents! Every mistake is judged strictly. And there will inevitably be mistakes because none of us is an angel. It is very difficult for us to forgive ourselves for our mistakes in parenting, maybe even impossible to forgive.
3. There is no professional training to become a parent.
The most important responsibility in the world: is to be the mother and father of a child – and no one trains a person how to do it! We learn on the job, and we make terrible mistakes, each of which affects the child’s well-being. Later, we realize them and feel guilty about it, and of course, self-doubt grows as a result of it.
4. We don’t have good parenting role models.
Most people – at least 90% – in my experience – do not want to raise their children the way they were raised. They know what they don’t want, but they don’t know what they want to do instead. They don’t have good parenting role models to follow, and as mentioned, there is no professional parenting training.
5. Self-doubt is a parasite.
It is a mental illness that is very widespread and considered normal. It’s normal, but it’s still sick and destructive. It is part of a fundamental flaw in human design. It affects each person to a different degree. If we let it control us, if we act from this place – it will grow in us. Parents’ self-doubt is one of the serious manifestations of this disease.
Make the invisible visible
Self-doubt can be overcome, but it requires conscious effort. At Psychophonetics, we have developed a special, effective process for this. The main challenge is to make this invisible voice within visible. It is invisible because it comes from within one’s thinking. It is very difficult to catch him. But it is possible if you know how.
How to do it?
- Self-doubt can be “caught” by observing its destructive effects on you. The intellect cannot capture it because Doubt uses the intellect as its weapon against you. All parasites do this: they turn the host against itself. But acknowledging one’s suffering, not through self-judgment (a form of self-hatred) but through self-compassion. This can make the inner Parasite of self-doubt visible to the observer.
- Once you see it with your inner eye – and everyone can – you can control it, and you can decide to stop feeding it. You can break free from it, and it will diminish within you. Psychophonetics says: “Doubt is real. That is the end of doubt”.
- However, standing up to it is not enough. An alternative to self-doubt needs to be created and activated. What is the alternative to self-insecurity? Self creativity. What you create, what comes out of you consciously – you do not doubt it because you created it, and you know it. Creativity is the opposite of self-doubt.
The creation of a parent
In the case of parents’ doubts, the required creative act is creating one’s image and character as a mother and father. The past cannot guide us in this – neither memory nor external advice can guide us. Only one’s intuition, coming from a loving heart, can lead in the act of new creation – to become – the kind of mother and father of our child that we would like to be. Creating the true and unique parent we can be for this unique child. We will make mistakes and learn from them because they will be our mistakes. With our child, we will find surprising new solutions to new challenges, and they will work because they will be based on our parental intuition and deep wisdom.
Parental doubts need to be faced and neutralized. We must create an ideal image of ourselves as a parent from our intuition and heart. This creative act is the end of self-doubt.
original text by Yehuda Tagar
edited and translated by Mira Tagar